Quotes

This page gets the most views for this website every day, so I must give credit to http://chquotes.synthasite.com/calvin-and-hobbes-quotes1.php not only in the Credits section but also here. I am currently trying to find links on gocomics.com to all of the strips listed here, as well as finding which treasury or large collection it’s in. I guess you could say this section is still under construction.

Quotes from The Essential Calvin and Hobbes

“I try to make everyone’s day a little more surreal.” view strip

“I ‘m not a vegetarian! I’m a dessertarian.” view strip

“I’ve got plenty of common sense! I just choose to ignore it.” view strip

“Where do we keep all our chainsaws, Mom?” view strip

“Do the words ‘complete pandemonium’ strike terror in your heart?” view strip

“Oh great Oujia board, who is smarter, Calvin 0r Hobbes?” view strip

“I command my homework to do itself! HOMEWORK, BE DONE!” view strip

“Somewhere in communist Russia I’ll bet there’s a little boy who has never known anything but CENSORSHIP and OPPRESSION. But maybe he’s heard about AMERICA, and he dreams of living in this land of FREEDOM and OPPORTUNITY! Someday, I’d like to meet that little boy… AND TELL HIM THE AWFUL TRUTH ABOUT THIS PLACE!!” view strip

“Hello Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am?”

“There’s an inverse relationship between how good something is for you, and how much fun it is.”

“Leave it to a girl to take the fun out of sex discrimination.”

Quotes from The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes

“I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone’s expectations.”

“Since September it’s just gotten colder and colder. There’s less daylight now, I’ve noticed too. This can only mean one thing – the sun is going out. In a few more months the Earth will be a dark and lifeless ball of ice… Dad says the sun isn’t going out. He says its colder because the earth’s orbit is taking us farther from the sun. He says winter will be here soon. Isn’t it sad how some people’s grip on their lives is so precarious that they’ll embrace any preposterous delusion rather than face an occasional bleak truth?”

“I’d explain it, but there’s a lot of math.”

“But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He’s one of the old gods! He demands sacrifice!”

“There’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want.”

“Some diabolical fiend threatens to establish a totalitarian system of rule! Only Stupendous Man can save the day!…Aha! Just as I suspected! My evil arch-nemesis, Mom-Lady!”

“I’ve got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.”

Quotes from The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes

“I think life should be more like TV. I think all of life’s problems ought to be solved in 30 minutes with simple homilies, don’t you? I think weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns. I think we should all have powerful, high-paying jobs, and everyone should drive fancy sports cars. All our desires should be instantly gratified. Women should always wear tight clothes, and men should carry powerful handguns. Life overall should be more glamorous, thrill-packed, and filled with applause, don’t you think?”

“I’m sick of everyone telling me what to do all the time! I hate my life! I hate everything! I wish I was DEAD! [pause] Well, no I don’t. Not really. I wish everyone ELSE was dead.”

“Another genius thwarted by an incapable assistant.”

“Childhood is short, maturity is forever.”

“My time is valuable. I can’t go on thinking about one subject for minutes on end. I’m a busy man.”

“Obviously my body doesn’t believe a word my brain is saying.”

Calvin – “I don’t DO math anymore. I decided I’m more of a visual person. Dad – “Good. Visualize being the only 45-year-old in the first grade.”

“Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery.”

“She didn’t even give me credit for my professional clear plastic binder!”

“Nothing helps a bad mood like spreading it around.”

“Mothers are the necessity of invention.”

“This morning I had a wonderful dream. By holding my arms out stiff and pushing down hard, I found I could suspend myself a few feet above ground. I flapped harder, and soon I was soaring effortlessly over the trees and telephone poles! I could fly! I folded my arms back and zoomed low over the neighborhood. Everyone was amazed, and they ran along under me as I shot by. Then I rocketed up so fast that my eyes watered from the wind. I laughed and laughed, making huge loops in the sky! … That’s when Mom woke me up and said I was going to miss the bus if I didn’t get my bottom out of bed; 20 minutes later, here I am, standing in the cold rain, waiting to go to school, and I just remembered I forgot my lunch. Tuesdays don’t start much worse than this.”

“Aaugh! It’s a half-hour later than it was half an hour ago! Run! Run!”

“My dreams are getting way too literal.”

“You know how Einstein got bad grades as a kid? Well, mine are even worse!”

“My cigarette smoke mixed with the smoke of my .38. If business was as good as my aim, I’d be on Easy Street. Instead, I’ve got an office on 49th Street and a nasty relationship with a string of collection agents. Yeah, that’s me, Tracer Bullet. I’ve got eight slugs in me. One’s lead, and the rest are bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I’m a private eye. Suddenly my door swung open, and in walked trouble. Brunette, as usual.”

“I liked things better when I didn’t understand them.”

“The days are getting colder. Yes. Bugs are dying by the truckload! Ha ha ha! Good riddance to ‘em all! … I like fall.”

“Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.”

“Life is like topography, Hobbes. There are summits of happiness and success, flat stretches of boring routine, and valleys of frustration and failure.”

“Boy, rough life, huh? What have YOU done today?!”

Quotes from Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons

“I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can be together all the time.”

“In my opinion, we don’t devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.”

“Aww mom, you act like I’m not even wearing a bungie cord!”

“Susie, if you want to see your doll again, leave $100 in this envelope by the tree out front. Do not call the police you CANNOT trace us, you CANNOT find us. Sincerely, Calvin.”

“It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what’s cool.”

“As a math atheist, I should be excused from this.”

“It’s psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I’ll get a saw.”

“Oh, great altar of passive entertainment, bestow upon me thy discordant images at such speed as to render linear thought impossible!”

“Dad, how do soldiers killing each other solve the world’s problems?”

“I like maxims that don’t encourage behavior modification.”

“Nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character.”

“It’s hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.”

Quotes from The Days Are Just Packed

Hobbes – “So the secret to good self-esteem is to lower your expectations to the point where they’re already met?” Calvin – “Right. We should take pride in our mediocrity.”

“A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day.”

“County library? Reference desk, please. Hello? Yes, I need a word definition. Well, that’s the problem. I don’t know how to spell it and I’m not allowed to say it. Could you just rattle off all the swear words you know and I’ll stop you when…Hello?”

“Wow, look at the grass stains on my skin. I say, if you knees aren’t green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.”

Quotes from Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat

“A good compromise leaves everybody mad.”

“Miss Wormwood, I protest this “C” grade! That’s saying I only did an “average” job! I got 75% of the answers correct, and in today’s society, doing something 75% right is outstanding! If government and industry were 75% competent, we’d be ecstatic! I won’t stand for this artificial standard of performance! I demand an “A” for this kind of work! I think it’s really gross how she drinks Maalox straight from the bottle.”

“I’m learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life … Procrastinating and rationalizing.”

“My bills always die in subcommittee.”

“One more nostalgic part of childhood goes THBPPTH.”

“You can present the material, but you can’t make me care.”

“Dear Santa. Why is your operation located at the North Pole? I’m guessing cheap elf labour, lower environmental standards, and tax breaks. Is this really the example you want to set for us impressionable kids? …My plan is to put him on the defensive before he considers how good I’ve been.”

“But I like my idea better.”

Quotes from There’s Treasure Everywhere

“That’s the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn’t good enough for me! I demand euphoria!”

“Why should I have to WORK for everything?! It’s like saying I don’t deserve it!”

“Well, it just seemed wrong to cheat on an ethics test.”

“I understand my tests are popular reading in the teachers’ lounge.”

“My brain always rejects attitude transplants.”

Quotes from It’s A Magical World

“Nobody asks me how things oughta be! I’ve got tons of ideas!”

“Now, a lifetime of experience has left me bitter and cynical.”

“I say, when life gives you a lemon, wing it right back and add some lemons of your own!”

“Weekends don’t count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.”

“Other kids’ games are all such a bore! They gotta have rules and they gotta keep score!  Calvinball is better by far! It’s never the same! It’s always bizarre! You don’t need a team or a referee! You know that it’s great cause it’s named after me!”

“It’s a magical world, Hobbes, ol’ buddy…Let’s go exploring!”

“Did you know that’s one of the ten warning signs of hopeless dweebism?”

“Get out the time-fracture wickets, Hobbes! We’re gonna play Calvinball!”

“What on earth am I doing inside on this beautiful day?! This is the only life I’ve got to live!”

“I can’t help but wonder what kind of desperate straits would drive a man to invent this thing.”

“Are you suggesting that this appliance didn’t aggravate me with malice aforethought?”

“Are you crazy? This is a stupid, boring, time-wasting forced assignment! This isn’t fun!”

Quotes from – I haven’t looked it up yet…

“But for my own example, I’d never believe one little kid could have so much brains!”

“Girls are like slugs, they probably serve some purpose, but it’s hard to imagine what!”

“Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?”

“What on earth am I doing inside on this beautiful day?! This is the only life I’ve got to live!!”

“If it was completely different, school would be great.”

“If warped values are the price of a vicarious thrill, so be it!”

“I’ve been visualizing the conceptualization process. That’s the hard part.”

“Love makes the world go round!”

“It’s not summer if your tongue isn’t purple.”

“Summer is butter on your chin and corn mush between every tooth.”

“It’s a cruel season that makes you get ready for bed while it’s light out.”

“This food is allergic to me.”

“Shock and titillate me! I’ve got money!”

“It’s no use! Everybody gets good enemies except me.”

“It’s that moment of dawning comprehension I live for.”

“My only regret is blowing the best day of my life while I’m so young.”

“Reality continues to ruin my life.”

“So basically, this maverick is urging everyone to express his individuality through conformity in brand-name selection.”

“To make a bad day worse, spend it wishing for the impossible.”

“We are a fierce and dirty band of cut-throat pirates! Keep a sharp lookout matey, we dont want any sissy girls on our ship!”

“What’s the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if nobody ever asks to see ‘em?”

“We’re so busy watching out for what’s just ahead of us that we don’t take time to enjoy where we are.”

“Some days even my lucky rocketship underpants won’t help.”

“Well, remember what you said, because in a day or two, I’ll have a witty and blistering retort! You’ll be devastated THEN!”

“Careful. We don’t want to learn from this.”

“Don’t walk away! I’m trying to apologize you dumb noodleloaf!”

“History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction.”

“I can’t tell if that’s funny or really scary.”

“Life is full of surprises, but never when you need one.”

“Verbing weirds language.”

“Everybody I know fails the acid test of friendship.”

“They say winning isn’t everything, and I’ve decided to take their word for it.”

“I wonder if I can grow fangs when my baby teeth fall out.”

“Unfortunately for my report, mom caught me and I didn’t get to see how it ended.”

“If something is so complicated that you can’t explain it in 10 seconds, then it’s probably not worth knowing anyway.”

“Who wouldn’t be interested in everything we do?!”

“It’s my dessert that’s gross! Look, a thermos full of phlegm!”

“My favorite ritual is eating three bowls of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs and watching TV cartoons all Saturday morning.”

“I hate being good (or trying to fake it).”

“You know what we need, Hobbes? We need an attitude.”

“Idiocy is the essence of the male mind.”

“I thought my life would seem more interesting with a musical score and a laugh track.”

“You know you’ll hate something when they won’t tell you what it is.”

“Existence is not only temporary, it’s pointless!”

“Well, it puts a bad day in perspective.”

“I flunked a test today, but I don’t mind.”

“It’s not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept.”

“Studies in Contemporary State-Sponsored Terrorism. ….Also known as gym class.”

“Heck, what’s a little extortion among friends?”

“I’ve been thinking, Hobbes.” – Calvin “On a weekend?” – Hobbes “Well, it wasn’t on purpose…” – Calvin

“I just can’t identify with that kind of work ethic.”

“Rats. I thought I could make an easy four bucks.”

“FLUSSH! Whee! Ha Ha Ha … Mom, I’m done with my bath now.”

“I don’t need to study! I don’t need to learn!”

“I can always get by on my good looks and charm!”

“Divine retribution, that’s what!”

“What business is it of yours, jerk?!”

“I’ve been good all day so far.”

“What do they think I am, an engineer?”

“The longer you wait for the mail, the less there is in it.”

“Things are never quite as scary when you’ve got a best friend.”

“Somehow I imagined this experience would be more rewarding.”

“I’m happy, but it’s not like I’m ecstatic.”

“There’s no head rest on this chair! I should sue for whiplash!”

“I asked Mom if I was a gifted child…she said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.”

“The only skills I have the patience to learn are those that have no real application in life.”

“Mom and Dad say I should make my life an example of the principles I believe in…But everytime I do, they tell me to stop it.”

“What assurance do I have that your parenting isn’t screwing me up?”

“OK, so I was wrong for once in my life! Shut up.”

“I propose we leave math to the machines and go play outside.”

“People pay more attention to you when they think you’re up to something.”

“Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery.”

“I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.”

“From now on, I’m not doing anything I don’t want to do! The world owes me happiness, fulfillment and success…. I’m just here to cash in.”

“I have a hammer! I can put things together! I can knock things apart! I can alter my environment at will and make an incredible din all the while! Ah, it’s great to be male!”

“A smoke grenade, a gas mask, and a helicopter……. that’s all I ask.”

“I’m looking for something that can deliver a 50-pound payload of snow on a small feminine target. Can you suggest something? Hello…?”

After Calvin nails Susie with a snowball he walks up to her and says “I must say, the stinging snow makes your cheeks look positively radiant.”

“If ignorance is bliss, this lesson would appear to be a deliberate attempt to deprive me of happiness, the pursuit of which is my unalienable right according to the Declaration of Independence. I therefore assert my patriotic prerogative to not know this material. I’ll be out in the playground.”

“Life’s disappointments are harder to take when you don’t know any swear words.”

“The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take milk for example. Why do we drink COW milk? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said. “I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze ‘em!”

“There aren’t very many heroes these days. Who is out there to inspire us with a personal example of virtue and self-sacrifice in the name of a higher good? Who can we look up to? Business Leaders? Sports Figures? Politicians? Celebrities? Heck, we’re lucky if they don’t end up in prison! As usual, the hero business is up to me!”

“I used to make original snowmen, but it was time consuming, hard work. So I said, heck, this is crazy! Now I crank out crude imitations of what’s already popular! It takes no time or thought, and most people don’t care about the difference, anyway! And what good is originality if you can’t crank it out?”

“Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you’re just a reflection of him?”

“Ever notice how tense grownups get when they’re recreating?”

“From now on, I’ll connect the dots my own way.”

“He’s so lazy and selfish.”

“I love the culture of victimhood.”

“Nothing I do is my fault.”

“I like to verb words.”

“I should be doing my homework now.”

“Quit resistng, you!”

“I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas.”

“It is man’s indomitable nature to scare himself silly for no good reason!”

“The problem with people is that they don’t look at the big picture. Eventually, we’re each going to die, our species will go extinct, the sun will explode, and the universe will collapse. Existence isn’t only temporary, it’s pointless! We’re all doomed, and worse, nothing matters!’

“Like delicate lace, so the threads intertwine,
oh, gossamer web of wond’rous design!
Such beauty and grace wild nature produces…
[disgusted] Ughh, look at that spider suck out that bug’s juices!”

“Why isn’t my life like a situation comedy? Why don’t I have a bunch of friends with nothing better to do but drop by and instigate wacky adventures? Why aren’t my conversations peppered with spontaneous witticisms? Why don’t my friends demonstrate heartfelt concern for my well being when I have problems? …I gotta get my life some writers.”

“I wanted to be a neo-deconstructivist but Mom wouldn’t let me.”

“If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don’t get asked to do it again.”

“I’m not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.”

“I’m yet another resource-consuming kid in an overpopulated planet, raised to an alarming extent by Hollywood and Madison Avenue, poised with my cynical and alienated peers to take over the world when you’re old and weak.”

“It’s hard to conceal a water balloon.”

“Some people are pragmatists, taking things as they come and making the best of the choices available. Some people are idealists, standing for principle and refusing to compromise. And some people just act on any whim that enters their heads. I pragmatically turn my whims into principles.”

“Its no use! Everybody gets good enemies except me.”

“True friends are hard to come by … I need more money.”

“When birds burp, it must taste like bugs.”

“Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?”

“You know how people are. They only recognize greatness when some authority confirms it.”

“Pretty convenient how every time I build character, Dad saves a couple hundred dollars.”

“These are interesting times. We don’t trust the government, we don’t trust the legal system, we don’t trust the media, and we don’t trust each other! We’ve undermined all authority, and with it, the basis for replacing it! It’s like a six-year-old’s dream come true!”

“When you get something, it’s new and exciting. When you have something, you take it for granted and it’s boring.”

“Today for show and tell I’ve brought a tiny marvel of nature: a single snowflake. I think we might all learn a lesson from how this utterly unique and exquisite crystal… ..turns into an ordinary boring molecule of water just like every other one when you bring it in the classroom. And now. While the analogy sinks in. I’ll be leaving you drips and going outside.”

“I’d hate to have a kid like me!”

“’Tis the season to advertise.”

“People don’t realize what a burden it is being a genius like me. It’s not easy having a mind that operates on a higher plane than everyone else! People just refuse to see that I’m the crux of all history, a boy of destiny.”

“As you can see, I have memorized this utterly useless piece of information long enough to pass a test question. I now intend to forget it forever. You’ve taught me nothing except how to cynically manipulate the system. Congratulations.”

“I want to be introduced as “Calvin, boy of destiny.” But you have to say it right, pause a little after “boy,” and say “Destiny” a bit slower and deeper for emphasis. Say it, “Boy….. Of Dessstiny,” Like that!”

“People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.”

“The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can’t, and the incapacity to tell the difference.”

“For a girl, she’s remarkably perceptive.”

“I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!”

“The secret to happiness is short-term, stupid self-interest!”